Mike Makes Jokes

The author continues to find new and increasingly elaborate ways to avoid working.

Uh, I’m PRETTY SURE Jon Taffer did not rescue, let along patronize, this shitty little bar.

BREAKING: Dollar Tree to acquire rival discount chain Family Dollar for a purchase price of 8.5 billion tubes of off-brand toothpaste.

July 28, 2014 at 06:31PM

"If they wanted to be Americans, they should have thought to immigrate between 1607 and 1930."

"Should We Let Immigrant Children Who Crossed The U.S. Border Stay In America?" — The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

One hundred years ago today, Franz Ferdinand got himself killed and ruined everything. #history #balkanpowderkeg #hashtag

July 28, 2014 at 12:03PM

"Oh come on, aren't you being super harsh on her---" *stops, reads article, realizes the flasher is an old man* "Nevermind. Please proceed."

"‘Habitual flasher’ to serve jail term" — Gets three years for 2013 conviction

Do you think the writers of “X2: X-Men United” realized that referring to mutants as having “the mutant gene” makes no sense whatsoever?

July 24, 2014 at 08:44PM

If a kid ever asks me, “Hey Mike, what was 1993 like?” I’m gonna show him this photo. #tbt

If a kid ever asks me, “Hey Mike, what was 1993 like?” I’m gonna show him this photo. #tbt

Personally, I support Arthur Q. Demoulas. #MarketBasket

July 23, 2014 at 10:26AM

An Auschwitz selfie is in terribly poor taste. Save that shit for Buchenwald.

"Should You Take that Selfie? A Guide for Teens." — Another teen has become an object of public ridicule, after making a dire selfie-related error in judgement. Teens, PLEASE make better selfie choices.

Guys! GUYS! Guys... dick-shaped smoke!

"Obama tells Netanyahu he has ‘serious concern’ about casualties - The Boston Globe" — GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — President Barack Obama told Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Sunday that he had “serious concern” about the growing number of casualties on both sides in Gaza. In his second phone call with the Israeli leader in three days, Obama also told Netanyahu that Secretary of Stat…

http://onion.com/1kDIYQg

"BREAKING: Cavaliers Agree To Trade Andrew Wiggins, LeBron James For Kevin Love" — CLEVELAND—Following lengthy and protracted trade negotiations, the Cleveland Cavaliers announced Friday that the team has agreed to deal No. 1 draft pick Andrew Wiggins and four-time league MVP LeBron James to the Minnesota Timberwolves in exchange for power forward Kevin Love.

Wishing a very happy anniversary to two people that I don’t see nearly often enough, Megan Dubay Fleming and Sara Fleming!

July 18, 2014 at 10:20AM

The University of Oregon's public safety department officers are apparently not big fans of will.i.am. (For the record, they're 100% correct about Windows Vista.)

"Oregon Officers Are Under Fire For Making This Amazing List Of People Who Should ‘Eat A Bowl…" — A wrongful termination lawsuit filed against the University of Oregon by a fired public safety officer contains hilarious details.

Apropos of nothing, here’s Mr. Belding posing with the Bella Twins.

Bill Gates has released a video statement regarding the recently announced Microsoft layoffs. #NathanForYou

"Bill Gates Reacts to Microsoft Layoffs" — Cut the best of YouTube on http://viewrz.com